I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize