You can't motorboat a personality
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
