In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
