I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
