You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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