i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
