dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize