apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
