Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
