Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This baby is an asshole
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
