the condom got lost in my hair
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
