I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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