new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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