If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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