You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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