I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
