Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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