You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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