I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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