I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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