They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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