You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
