I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
