Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
