i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
