at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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