the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
