Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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