they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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