youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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