My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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