i was born a porn star she said
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
