pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
