I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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