You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
