I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
