Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
