i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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