I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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