I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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