Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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