I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
