i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
