Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
