Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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