when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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