She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
