Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Randomize
