How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
