we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
