I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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