gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
