So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
