Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
