You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
