I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
