I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize