shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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