He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize