Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
