two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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