wrigley field is MILF paradise
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
