so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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